


(so why don’t we go) somewhere only we know

by tea_the_turtleduck



Series: Naomily Playlist Project [1]
Category: Skins (UK)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-25
Updated: 2013-07-25
Packaged: 2017-12-21 07:10:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/897354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tea_the_turtleduck/pseuds/tea_the_turtleduck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Emily thought it was the end for her and Naomi and she wished that they could go someplace else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(so why don’t we go) somewhere only we know

**i**

The first time they kissed was during that party in their last year of middle school, when a bottle or two of alcopop was all Emily needed to give her the courage to do what she had been wanting to do for months.

She was far from drunk then; she could still remember counting the minutes, fretting that Naomi might leave soon. She could still remember watching Naomi’s every move, where she went, who she was with, waiting for that moment when she could finally have some time alone with her. In truth, she was only hoping for a chance to talk to Naomi. She wanted to graduate from the weird, stalker-ish way she had been behaving around her, sneaking glances and making up excuses to try to be in the same vicinity as her. And it might be too soon to say but Emily had this nagging suspicion that what she felt for Naomi was more than just a simple crush. She had been on the lookout for her ever since that day Naomi spoke up in class, arguing with their teacher for the implied sexism in some remark that Emily could no longer remember. What she _did_ remember was watching with a bit of awe this tall girl with bleach-blond hair speak up with such passion and biting sarcasm. And ever since then, Emily found herself subconsciously looking for her everywhere.

The only interaction they’ve had so far was during a club meeting that Emily had snuck into without even bothering to know what it was about, just to get the chance to spend a few more minutes with Naomi. Naomi had turned to her and said, “Emily Fitch.”

And being the fucking brilliant girl that she was, Emily just nodded.

Naomi gave her a quick smile and held out her hand, “I’m Naomi.”

Emily hesitated for a second before grabbing Naomi’s hand a bit too eagerly. “I know,” she said, when she finally found her voice again. “We’re in three classes together: History, Politics and Literature.” The moment the words were out of her mouth, Emily wanted to smack her head against the wall.

Naomi just gave her that one-sided smile that almost seemed cheeky. “Yeah, well, we’ve never properly introduced ourselves to each other before.”

“Right.”

And that was that.

It was only later on that Emily realized two things: that Naomi was able to tell her apart from Katie immediately, without having to ask; and she didn’t mention Katie at all in their extremely short "conversation."

Emily couldn’t explain how much these made her happy.

That night at the party, she remembered seeing Naomi walk outside fifty-two minutes after she arrived. She followed her out and watched her for a little while as she lit up a fag. Emily almost lost her nerve again and she was grateful for her foresight in bringing her half-finished bottle of alcopop with her. She remembered taking a deep breath before finishing the bottle, letting the slight buzz give her enough courage to cross the distance between her and Naomi, the distance of five steps. Naomi was leaning against the fence, smoking silently. When Emily finally stood beside her, she found herself unable to say anything and the fear that this opportunity would go to waste made her heartbeat speed up.

But then Naomi turned towards her, with a lazy, graceful motion. Emily swallowed at the sight of those pale blue eyes, the colour of frozen water, fixed on her.

“Emily Fitch,” said Naomi with that half-smile.

Emily found herself smiling back. “Naomi Campbell.”

Naomi’s half-smile turned into a full one. Emily noted that her eyes were glazed and she wondered for a moment if Naomi was drunk. Naomi took a long drag before offering the fag to Emily.

Emily licked her lips as she took the proffered fag. For a brief moment, she thought of the childish notion of indirect kisses. She took a deep breath before placing the fag between her lips. Which was a bad idea since she had to exhale first before taking a drag, and in her confusion, she inhaled the smoke wrong and she ended up coughing.

Naomi laughed. “You should’ve told me you don’t smoke.”

“I do,” Emily replied in between coughs. “Surprised me, is all.”

Naomi laughed again. To prove her point, Emily took a proper drag and exhaled the smoke in a steady stream. “Not bad,” said Naomi with that cheeky smile.

Emily returned the fag to her and continued watching Naomi placed it between her own lips. Without even realizing it, Emily had her eyes fixed on Naomi’s pink lips. She began wondering how those lips felt like, what they tasted of, when Naomi turned towards her again, having already finished the fag.

“The party’s boring; looks like I’ll be heading home now.”

And it was those words that spurred Emily to take hold of Naomi’s arm. “Don’t go.”

Naomi’s brows crinkled into a frown. But all Emily could see was those pink lips and before she knew it, she leaned in and pressed her own lips against Naomi’s. Emily wasn’t expecting anything, her mind blanking out and her body going on auto-pilot. But a second or two later, she realized that Naomi wasn’t pulling away. Emboldened, Emily pressed their lips together with a firmer intent and to her surprise and delight, she felt Naomi pushing back into the kiss.

“Emily!”

Emily jolted back in surprise and she whirled towards the direction of the voice. She saw to her shock and terror, her sister standing by the door with a frown on her face. “What the _fuck_ are you doing?”

Emily turned back to Naomi, who was now wearing an unreadable expression. Naomi’s eyes darted to Katie and then back to Emily. “I’ve got to go.”

And with that, Naomi left, leaving Emily to face Katie alone. In the haze of confusion and fear of Katie’s reaction, Emily found herself blurting out that Naomi kissed her out of the blue.

The lie turned in her stomach but she couldn’t bring herself to tell the truth. Not when Katie would think her a freak and tell their parents about it. Emily didn’t know what she would do if that happened.

Afterwards, when Katie began making snide remarks about Naomi and gossiped about her with her friends, Emily found herself regretting her decision.

When Naomi didn’t say anything about it, nor tried to correct Katie, Emily felt even worse. But, what hurt the most was when Naomi ignored her, or in those times when she did look at her, it was with a scowl.

Emily found herself wishing then that she could find someplace where she wouldn’t have to worry about Katie and other people’s reactions. Just someplace where she could be with Naomi and explain to her properly what happened, what she was feeling whenever Naomi was around (and even when she wasn’t).

Someplace just the two of them.

**ii**

Emily didn’t know how things turned out this way, how she had become this lovesick fool who would stand outside the school building looking for the tall blond girl with pale blue-grey eyes among the throng of students before classes start.

If she listened to the voice inside of her, she’d realize how incredibly stupid she looked.

But she really couldn’t care less. It was difficult to listen to this voice of reason when the memory of Naomi’s mouth on hers kept on playing in her head. Granted they were both under the influence of drugs at that time but still. (Though honestly that was bollocks since Emily knew that in spite of the MDMA-spiked brownies, they weren't that far gone; she was still pretty lucid and and she was sure that Naomi was, too.) In any case, those two times they kissed at Panda’s pyjama party, Katie was nowhere in sight to break the moment and for that Emily was grateful. And when Naomi went with her to Keith’s pub for the trivia contest, Emily actually thought that things were going to get better.

As it turned out, that was just a wishful thinking on her part.

It didn’t take long for Naomi to go back to being her standoffish self, barely looking at Emily and answering her queries shortly, and always with a hint of irritation.

Still, Emily couldn’t find it in her to back off. So when Harriet announced that the position of student council president was open, it was only natural that Emily egged Naomi on to run. And it wasn’t even because she had a crush on Naomi or something; Emily simply thought that Naomi would make a good student council president, what with her advocacies, beliefs and political activism.

Emily should know; she had been watching and collecting bits of information about Naomi ever since middle school.

When Naomi told her that she couldn’t possibly know what she was talking about since they’ve only had three conversations (five, Emily automatically corrected Naomi in her head) so far, Emily just bit her tongue. Naomi had her defences up and Emily wasn’t about to reveal that she had been sort of stalking her hence her knowledge about Naomi’s convictions.

So she walked away, but which didn’t mean she was backing off.

Despite the fact that Naomi was being a bit rude to her, Emily knew deep down that Naomi liked her, and not just in a possibly romantic way. There was a pattern, Emily had found out. Like, Naomi was sort of nice to her before their first kiss but got prickly around her afterwards when Emily lied about who initiated it. But after she admitted to Katie (and their friends) the truth, Naomi eased up a bit. Then Emily just had to screw it up with her further admission that she just wanted to kiss Naomi, resulting in Naomi keeping her distance again. And then Panda’s pyjama party happened and that was the most telling sign that Naomi liked her well enough to let Emily kiss her (twice). Things were a bit tentative between them for a while and then Naomi was back to being cool towards Emily again.

So Emily concluded that Naomi liked her well enough, but would act quite unfriendly whenever Emily made any indication that she liked her in a gay sort of way.

Emily could be down with being just friends. For now. And friends could encourage each other to run for presidency, right?

So she didn’t really think too much about it when she went over to Naomi’s place after school with the form.

When Emily finally managed to clear up with Naomi her intentions (she was still marvelling even now how she got the courage to say those things), Naomi relaxed. They laid down on the floor and tried to think up of slogans while passing the bottle of vodka between them. And then Naomi asked about lesbian sex. Now if that wasn’t another sign from heavens above, Emily didn’t know what was. But nothing else happened that day, other than Emily falling asleep in Naomi’s bed. Still, Emily thought that they were making steady progress.

When she woke up the next morning with Naomi already gone, Emily felt her stomach bottoming out. It would have been funny had it not hurt so much, Naomi making her walk-of-shame from her own bed, when nothing happened between them the night before. They hadn’t even come close to kissing, for fuck’s sake.

But Emily remembered what she had said yesterday and, swallowing that lump of disappointment, she scribbled a note just saying that she slept here, signing it off with a smiley. Just a concrete reminder that Emily had spent the night, as a friend.

Predictably enough, Naomi was being her standoffish self and it took Emily’s assurance that she was fine with just being friends before Naomi relaxed around her again. But then Cook just had to be a fucking wanker and mess everything up.

Emily thought that this was how it was going to be, always a one-step forward, two-steps back, a meaningless dance, a trip to nowhere.

But then—

“Can we go somewhere? Anywhere.”

**iii**

She had been having dreams of that day at the lake.

Quite often, actually.

Emily didn’t expect things to go that way at all. When Naomi called her up and asked to go somewhere, Emily immediately thought of the lake where she and Katie once went to when they were younger, during one of their twin bonding activities. They found the lake by accident and Emily immediately fell in love with the place. Katie, not so much. She wouldn’t stop complaining how her hair got all frizzy from the cold air, and how she wouldn’t get into the lake for fear of what the water may do to her skin. So the lake never became their place, only Emily’s.

That afternoon, as she and Naomi stood by the shore, staring at the lake, Emily felt her heart race, her awe at the sight (which never seemed to diminish no matter how many times she had been here) was mixed with a hint of anxiety at what Naomi thought of this place.

“Wow,” Naomi finally said. She glanced at Emily and smiled. “It’s lovely. It’s a lovely place.”

Emily couldn’t help the warm feeling spreading on her chest, confirming the thought that this was the perfect place. And that Naomi was the perfect person to be with here.

This was their _somewhere_.

And with the perfect person in the perfect place, the day turned out perfectly.

The thought of keeping her word to be just friends was momentarily driven out of Emily’s mind when saw Naomi’s body as she undressed to go into the lake. When Naomi turned around and caught her staring, Emily felt a flash of fear that Naomi would storm off, but to her surprise and relief, Naomi just laughed and teased her for looking.

Jumping into the lake effectively diffused the tension (and dispel the heat that had pooled at the pit of Emily’s stomach). And when in the midst of goofing off in the water, they came so close to kissing, Emily remembered herself and let out a nervous laugh before swimming away.

Later that evening, as they sat before the fire, Emily lighting up a spliff and Naomi nursing a bottle of vodka, a sense of comfort and familiar belongingness enveloped them. Emily was sure it was the place, the place that, in the span of the afternoon, had become home to them, just the two of them.

It could only be that, the reason for so many firsts to had happened: the first time Naomi asked her a question, the first time Emily held Naomi’s hand, the first time Naomi did blowbacks, the first time Naomi initiated a kiss.

The first time they made love.

In Emily’s dreams, everything would usually end with that night, and she was grateful for that. Even now, the memory of the morning after when Naomi left her alone for the second time still stung. And in those moments when it would feature in her dream, she’d wake up and she would fast-forward the events of the day in her head, until she got to the memory of them sitting on the opposite sides of the door, holding hands through the cat-flap.

That was the thing with the flow of memories: there was no going back, only moving forward.

Too bad that didn’t apply to other things in life.

Right now, Emily and Naomi were at a standstill.

And frankly, Emily didn’t know why Naomi seemed intent on keeping it that way. She remembered Naomi’s words that night outside their door, that it wasn’t simple being with someone. Emily didn’t understand it then, and she still didn’t understand it now.

It was plain and simple to Emily that she wanted Naomi and Naomi wanted her. They both wanted to be with each other so why couldn’t they be?

But Naomi never wanted to talk about it again. She still had her defences up and Emily just couldn’t break through them. She tried, heaven knows she tried, and when she realized Naomi had to be the one to let her in, Emily decided to be patient instead.

She had been patient for months now. She had even taken steps on her own, seeing a counsellor on how to come to terms with her sexuality, coming out to JJ, defying Katie’s whims.

But still nothing from Naomi.

It was like after that big leap from the day at the lake, Naomi just stopped moving forward.

And Emily was getting tired.

When she saw the posters that Doug put up for the Love Ball, Emily decided to push. This was a gamble, she knew, and the memories of Naomi retreating in her shell whenever Emily pushed the boundaries were still vivid but there was no way that she was going to let things remain as they were. Emily felt that she had grown much as a person these past months and she couldn’t, wouldn’t let anybody impede that progress, not even Naomi.

She could go through this alone, but she would rather have Naomi with her.

When Naomi shot down her suggestion after their impromptu lovemaking, Emily had enough. She couldn’t wait forever and even at the sight of Naomi’s hurt expression, she refused to give in and keep this part of her a secret.

Loving Naomi had taught her to be brave and stand up for herself; and she couldn’t understand why it couldn’t be the same for Naomi.

So she left without her shoes, ending up crying and freezing at the bus stop until Thomas found her. And she asked him what to do with this fucked-up thing she had with Naomi, to which he calmly replied:

“You must try to stop loving them.”

“And, is that possible?” she asked, trying to clutch onto something, to any possibility of this pain going away.

But Thomas just gave her a sad, knowing smile. “No, I don’t think so.”

When she came home that night, the events of the day had taken its toll on her and she felt so tired, so tired of hiding that she told her family plainly over dinner that she was gay. Which unfortunately was brushed off by her dad, and foiled by Katie. In any case, Emily felt the load in her chest lighten a bit.

Later on, Katie confronted her in their room and insisted that this was just some pitiful ploy Emily orchestrated out of jealousy of Katie’s popularity with boys.

“You’re not gay; you’re just stupid,” Katie was saying.

Sick of her sister making her feel like shit and of Katie’s repeated attempts to turn her into an extension of herself, Emily snapped. She found herself retorting about the obviousness of Freddie’s feelings for Effy and how he had been only using Katie, finishing it with, “Nobody hits me over the head with a rock, _loser_.”

The moment these harsh words escaped Emily’s lips, she knew she had crossed the line. She didn’t regret saying them, since she only told the truth, and if she had learned anything these past months, it was that it was no good trying to run away from the truth.

She did wish she hadn’t said those words with the intent to hurt.

As Katie lay sobbing on her bed, ignoring Emily’s entreaties to look at her, Emily laid herself down on her own bed, wondering how this day turned out to be so shitty.

It took her a while to fall asleep, long after Katie’s sobs have quieted. She thought that she wouldn’t dream that night, but she did. It was as if her subconscious wanted to remind her that even when some days were shitty, there were still days that were so perfectly wonderful. That somehow, things could still be all right.

She dreamt of that day in the lake.

**iv**

It had felt like standing at the edge of the world and watching everything crumble around her in slow motion.

Things were going so well that Emily knew she should have anticipated something bad to happen. Everything had just been too good to be true.

But this, this was the absolute worst.

Even now, Emily still couldn’t accept that this Naomi who cheated on her was the same Naomi who held her hand at the Love Ball, the same Naomi she spent the whole summer with, the same Naomi who gave her those fucking goggles, telling her that she loved her and to never forget it.

It didn’t make sense in her head, and it just made her heart ache with a pain she had not known before. A pain that, for a moment, made her want to jump off the rooftop.

When she walked back into Naomi’s house, taking that card off the door, that card where Naomi promised she’d do anything, Emily didn’t know where they were going from here. Everything had changed, and that beautiful thing they had was forever tainted.

A part of her told her that she should walk away, that she shouldn’t hold onto this wreck of a relationship, not when this fucked-up thing Naomi did had effectively erased everything that had been good and beautiful between them.

But another part of Emily, a bigger, foolish part of her said that she couldn’t just let this go. She couldn’t just let Naomi go.

Emily wasn’t sure if it was love telling her to hold on; frankly, she couldn’t even remember what love felt like anymore. She knew that what she had felt for Naomi before was it, was _love_ , that force that made her feel brave and strong and secure. Now, she didn’t feel any of that; she just felt weak and hurt and betrayed.

No, what she felt now couldn’t be love.

She thought that her decision to come back was because of her dad’s words. But no, it wasn’t that either. She and Naomi were nothing like her parents; Emily was nothing like her mom. Things couldn’t possibly work out the way her dad said they would.

But then—but then what?

Thinking about this just messed her head and just made her entire body cramp up. No, she wouldn’t think about this. She wouldn’t try to make sense of this.

She wouldn’t look at Naomi for weeks after she found out about her and Sophia.

She still slept in Naomi’s bed, but thankfully, Naomi still had enough sense of shame not to lie beside her.

This cold front went on for a while, and Emily let herself be lulled by the comfort of this numbed feeling. She thought that she could live with this, that if this went on long enough, she could find it in her to forgive. She remembered what her dad said, about things getting worse before they become okay, and that then they’d become better. Maybe the worst has passed and this was the okay part.

And then things would get better.

But after too much hurt came anger in its most scorching, vindictive form. She could now look at Naomi again, but it was through this lens of utter hatred. Emily found herself obsessing over details, of going back to those things that she couldn’t bear to think about during the first few weeks. And Emily realized that this was just the beginning of the worse part.

Now, she wanted to know what drove Naomi to hurt her like that.

She still wouldn’t accept Naomi’s broken confession of feeling suffocated by Emily’s feelings for her, by their relationship. Because if that was the case, why didn’t Naomi just tell her? Why didn’t she just tell her that she wanted to go to uni after graduation? Accepting that this feeling of being trapped was the reason why Naomi did what she did would put the blame on Emily for not noticing, for not knowing Naomi well enough to see the fears that had been plaguing her. No, Emily was tired of being the one to blame for everything.

This had to be just Naomi’s fault.

There had to be a simpler reason, a reason that Emily could accept. But the thought that maybe she didn’t know Naomi at all latched onto her mind, and she began to wonder if that was it really, that they were simply strangers to each other.

Naomi cheating on her had to be based on this unknowing.

Accepting anything else hurt too much.

So Emily wanted to know what Naomi must have been feeling all this time when she was looking at her, kissing her, when they were having sex. If it had felt like fucking a stranger. Because why else would Naomi go on and fuck another girl like what they had was nothing?

Emily became obsessed on knowing what a cheater tasted like, how a liar moved underneath her, how a stranger looked like when she fell over the edge.

To her surprise, disappointment, confusion and anger, nothing had changed at all. Naomi still tasted the same, her skin, her sweat, her mouth, her come. She still moved with that unconscious grace. She still looked so heartbreakingly beautiful when she shattered, her pale blue eyes, the colour of frozen water, turning liquid.

But the worst thing was that nothing had changed with how Emily felt for her when they had sex. She still felt that inexplicable mixture of awe, adoration and—this hurt to admit even to herself—love. She would still feel the desire to hold Naomi close afterwards, to touch the soft planes of her body. She would still feel the need to watch Naomi’s face as her expression relaxed and she would wear that sleepy smile.

And then one night, as Naomi came with a shudder around her fingers, Emily found those blue eyes looking at her with that same tenderness, that same vulnerability that she had seen before. That look that had told her way before Naomi’s words did that she loved her.

And it was too much.

She collapsed on top of Naomi, burying her face on the juncture between Naomi’s neck and shoulder, her whole body wracked with sobs.

“Ems,” Naomi said softly, her hands stroking Emily’s back with a gentleness that just made Emily’s chest hurt even more.

Emily wrenched herself away from Naomi, rolling off the bed and not daring to look at her again. Without a word, Emily grabbed her clothes from the floor and went out of the room. She locked herself in the bathroom, sinking to the floor and crying, crying so hard that it felt like her lungs were on fire, that her entire body was on the verge of shattering into a million pieces.

Like that afternoon at the rooftop when she had the undeniable proof of Naomi’s infidelity in her hands.

It felt like everything was ending once again.

As she laid there curled up on the floor, the tiles cold against her skin, she wished that there was some way to go back to the way they were before. To go back to the previous summer when all they did was lay in bed together all day, go out on random dates, walk through the streets while holding hands, ride around town on her moped, kiss openly at parties—just being young and in love.

Or back to that evening in the lake when Emily realized for the first time that what she felt for Naomi was more than just some petty schoolgirl crush. When she felt for the first time what it was to be in love with another girl.

Yes, Emily would like to go back, to freeze that moment and stay in it forever.

**v**

When Emily thought of Naomi, different images flash in her head, of Naomi’s changing look through the years.

Emily remembered the first time she had taken a proper look at Naomi back in middle school, Naomi in their uniform of royal-blue jacket and plaid skirt, her bleach-blond hair already short. Then the first time she saw her in Roundview College, still with that short hair but the uniform gone for good, and in its place Naomi’s bright, colourful floral outfits that plainly said that she wasn’t afraid to stand out. She remembered Naomi changing her style in their last year of sixth form, letting her hair grow longer, and her outfits less flashy and more grown-up, dark tones replacing the floral patterns. And then during their years at uni, Naomi had dyed her hair brown, which she later admitted to Emily was her natural hair colour. She began dressing in simpler style, in printed shirts and coloured jeans.

No matter what Naomi looked like, some things never changed. She was still that witty, sarcastic girl who was never without a comeback to dick-ish comments. She was still that loyal friend who could keep a secret and lend a listening ear. She was still the person who looked at Emily with love, and who Emily loved back just as much.

Even when Naomi found herself lost and floundering in London, Emily still saw the same person she fell in love with years before. It didn’t matter that Naomi was being a ‘useless stoner,’ as Effy called her; Emily believed in Naomi, believed in them, and because of that, she was sure everything would work out in the end.

So when Emily saw this sick person in the hospital bed, this person with thinning brown hair, hollow cheeks and sunken eyes, there was that brief moment when she didn’t believe that this was Naomi.

They had been through so much, had withstood every test in their relationship that Emily believed that they had finally purchased their happy-ever-after. She had thought that Naomi’s infidelity was the worst thing that could ever happen to them, and when they were finally able to move on from that, she had thought that nothing could ever tear them apart.

And yet, here was Naomi, the woman she loved, sick and dying in a hospital bed.

The possibility of a complete and utter finality had never crossed her mind.

It was like the entire fucking universe was making fun of them, for daring to believe in love, for daring to believe in the two of them being special.

When Effy called her up in New York, explaining in her infuriatingly calm Effy-voice about Naomi’s condition, Emily thought it was some sick joke at first. Because there was no way something like this could happen to them. And there was no way Naomi wouldn’t tell her; they were done with secrets and besides, Naomi promised her, _fucking_ promised her that she would never hurt Emily again.

When the words _dying_ and _cancer_ finally sank in, Emily felt her whole world fall apart in a way that was similar and yet worse, so much worse than when she found out about Naomi cheating. It felt like the first time Naomi hurt her, when there was nothing to compare it to, when all she could feel was shock and pain.

She spent the entire time between Effy’s phone call to her arrival in London crying until she could cry no more.

When she arrived at the airport, the pain had dulled into an intermittent ache, with anger, so much anger rising to the surface. She was angry at Effy for not telling her sooner, she was angry at Naomi for breaking her promise, she was angry at god or whoever was up there for dealing this unkind, unfair fate to them. But most of all, she was angry at herself for failing to see once again that Naomi was hiding something.

She had been standing outside Naomi’s room for hours, unable to find the strength to go in. It wasn’t until Effy came and gave her a push that she was able to muster the courage to go in and let Naomi know that she was there.

Effy told her to be strong and Emily intended to do just that. But the sight of a physically weak Naomi broke Emily’s heart and she couldn’t stop herself from crying as she buried her face in Naomi’s chest. Naomi held her close but Emily could barely feel the pressure of her arms, and her heart broke anew.

They stayed like this for a while, not speaking, just holding each other, holding onto each other.

Emily wasn’t prepared for this, and she doubted that she could ever prepare herself for something like this. So she just let herself bask in these precious moments they had left.

She barely left Naomi’s side, only leaving when the nurse told her that visiting hours was over. Even then she fought to stay; she couldn’t afford to let any more time to slip by not being at Naomi’s side. But the nurse was firm. Emily was ready to break again when Naomi tugged her hand and told her in between laboured breaths, “I’m not going anywhere without you, Ems.”

And with those words of assurance, Emily then let herself be led away, but not without promising, “I’ll be back soon.”

Naomi nodded and watched her as she went out of the room.

She called Katie, who after the initial shock, just let Emily cry. Emily was grateful that her sister didn’t promise that everything was going to be all right; instead, Katie just promised to take the next train to London and that she would be there soon.

When Emily had gathered enough of herself, she remembered Naomi’s mum and realized that Gina didn’t know that her own daughter was dying. Though Emily knew that she might not make it in time, what with her being halfway around the world for some conference on environmental activism, Gina had every right to know. After all, Emily knew firsthand how much it hurt not knowing.

She spent hours on the phone, crying with her, whispering false words of comfort, and Emily knew Gina had it so much worse.

When Emily was allowed to see Naomi again, she decided to make every moment with her count. After all, she wasn’t just doing this for herself, but also for Gina. She knew she wouldn’t be able to face Naomi’s mum without any memories to share of the time that was quickly slipping away.

Naomi didn’t speak much and Emily could plainly see that she was having enough difficulty breathing as it was. So Emily told her stories, new ones of New York, and when those ran out, she began talking about random stuff, a funny memory of Cook’s antics or Panda’s crazy dancing, or a trivia about polar bears and platypuses.

For a while, it seemed enough. Naomi would nod her head weakly and listen to Emily as best as she could. Sometimes, she interrupted Emily, whispering, “I love you.”

And Emily would feel the urge to cry as she kissed Naomi, mumbling against her lips, “I know, I know. I love you, too.”

Naomi’s eyes would fill up with tears but she wouldn’t let them fall. Instead, she would wrap her arms around Emily and hold her close. She would fall asleep, sometimes just for a few minutes, sometimes for hours. It didn’t matter; Emily stayed beside her for as long as the hospital staff allowed.

As Naomi slept beside her, Emily would think back of the times they have had, of the memories they had made together. All those happy moments with their friends and with just the two of them. She tried to draw strength from these memories, so that she could give Naomi a genuine smile when she woke up.

One memory stood out, one that had never failed to make Emily remember how much she loved Naomi, how happy they had been being in love.

And she found herself wishing that there was some way that she could take Naomi back to that place again, that place where everything was set into motion, where everything changed between them. That place that was their safe haven, where everything was all right.

But Emily knew it just wasn’t possible anymore. And before she could stop herself, she was crying. She rolled away from Naomi, walking out of the room, holding herself together as best as she could until she was out in the hallway. Then she collapsed to the floor and sobbed.

When she returned, Naomi was already awake. Emily plastered a smile to her face as she laid herself carefully beside her. Naomi looked at her questioningly but Emily just shook her head. She didn’t speak for a while; she just watched Naomi.

The desire to take Naomi back to the lake still burned inside her chest. But they couldn’t, not when Naomi was too weak to move, not when they might not have enough time—

No, they still could.

“Hey Naomi.”

Naomi fluttered her eyelids, not having enough strength to speak. Emily blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes again. She willed her voice not to shake.

“Let’s go somewhere.”

Naomi just looked at her curiously, her blue eyes still as beautiful as ever. Her lips curved into a small smile. Then in a soft, cracked voice that somehow still managed to sound clear to Emily’s ears, she said, “Anywhere.”

Emily swallowed the lump in her throat as she snuggled closer to Naomi. She pressed soft kisses on Naomi’s face before settling her head on the pillow. She laced their fingers together, squeezing Naomi’s hand.

She took a deep breath and she let the memory of the place take them back again.

“We are riding our bikes down that dirt road to the lake and everything is so green around us. I keep wobbling every now and then because being so close to you is making me nervous…”


End file.
